Live It
Thirteen Things I Love to Hate

And you think I'm kidding?
by Sandra Staas (Mon Jul 12, 2010)

There are so many things that I love to hate. But here are the top thirteen:

1. Having to type the anti-spam word verification code on a website in order to continue. Who the hell can read the squiggly letters and numbers? Takes me three tries sometimes.

2. Being told a representative will answer my call in twenty minutes. Okay, cool. Enough time to take the dog out for a quick pee. I get back and the line is dead.

3. People who go every six months to the dentist, whether they need to or not. They have these perfectly straight, perfectly white teeth. All the better to bite you with.

4. People who can swim. Don't they know it's usually swimmers who drown? Scaredy-cats like me who are afraid of the water never drown.

5. People who simply cannot, or will not, spell my name correctly. Even when I spell it out for them, they get it wrong. Even when I write it down for them, they still spell it wrong. Don't look at me in disbelief as if that's not my name. It is.

6. Fearless freaks who brag about their daring feats. You're only as brave as your fears. Without fears, how could you ever know that you're brave?

7. Those snooty, unoriginal, pseudo-intellectuals who just have to impress everybody with their knowledge and erudition. They'll quote anyone, from Garcia Marquez to Mickey Mouse, as long as it makes an impression. Give me your thoughts, your own words, so that one day I may quote you.

8. People who laugh out loud in movie theaters when nothing is funny. I think they must be best friends with the pseudo-intellectuals (see Number 7, above). They must have a deep inherent desire to be viewed as intelligent oafs.

9. People who chew with their mouth open. I do not wish to see your half-eaten hamburger. If I did, I'd ask you to open wide and spit.

10. Queuing up in the ladies' loo. It makes life more exciting leaping about, all the time pondering whether I could break down the door with one hand or whether I could be audacious enough to pee in the sink.

11. Being called, ‘Hon' by some shop assistant. I'm not a hon, nor a honey. Even if I were, I'm not YOUR honey.

12. Being called, ‘Dear' when I take my car to get repaired. Yes, I do know this repair is going to be very dear. I suggest you wipe the grin off your face, buster; your balls are messing with the wrong woman.

13. Workmen who turn up too early. They step inside with a desire to perform their morning shit in my bathroom. There are trees out back, lots of leaves as well for cleaning up afterwards. Take your bum and dirty boots to the woods.

I also love to hate lists, especially those with even numbers.